How to stop magpies swooping: the shocking truth

Well it's magpie season¹ (or should that be Australian Airborne Death From Above Squad) so now's the time people want to know How to stop magpies swooping.

It's at this time of year that cyclists of all persuasions take on a slightly unhealthy pallour, and get a bit wild around the eyes at the prospect of solo rides: magpies are unabashed cowards and will rarely attack a large group.

You'll see the annual rollout of all manner of often hilarious Anti Magpie Deflector Shields (AMDSs) designed to (hopefully….#NOTTTT) ward off vicious and incessant attacks by these highly skilled aerial warriors.

It's also the time of year you will see articles by so called experts offering advice on effective AMDS's and strategies for avoiding catastrophic engagements with these killer birds.

These articles are often full of useless advice like this gem: “don't kill magpies”…I mean, come on. REALLY? Who the flamin' heck is really going to go all Mad Max on some poor little magpies.

These articles are also full of misinformation.

As a public service, I would like to highlight some of the egregious, perilous and downright irresponsible reporting you may come across regarding this matter.

Front and centre is this The Age article which is full–FULL, Dear Reader–of misinformation and general wrong-ness. As if that wasn't bad enough, this pap was promulgated in a certain Channel 10 “news” panel show that airs between 6.30PM and 7.30PM on weekdays.

So let us correct a few alleged factoids:

Firstly this gem:

The Brisbane City Council website offers advice ranging from “do not try to kill the birds” to “do not touch a young bird,” but also emphasises simply avoiding areas where magpies are breeding and nesting.

Well it might be useful if you're a council officer fanging around in your council Triton or Hilux, but for those who exercise on certain routes (for good reason) or commute a certain way, well that is next to useless.

I was also absolutely shocked–SHOCKED–to read Bicycle Queensland chief executive Ben Wilson assert that zip ties are ineffective against magpie attacks.

I don't know what planet Ben Wilson is living on, but it's clearly a planet with different magpies to Planet Earth. Or else he is busy commuting to work in his Hilux also.

(To be fair, maybe it's just a Queensland thing: if daylight savings can fade their curtains and make their milk sour ‘cos their cows are “up an hour earlier” then it's perfectly reasonable to think Queensland magpies would be impervious to proven AMDS' and generally be completely illogical, irrational and unreasonable.)

I've been conducting some Very Scientific Research² for some time into this critical area and have some astounding findings to share with you all.

Key amongst them is this shocking revelation: zip ties are key tactic in your “how to stop magpies swooping” strategy.

No longer should you feel imperilled by the constant threat of a savage attack. No longer should you buy $39.95 Anti Magpie packs from Local Bike Shops (I mean, come on guys, try harder).

Nor do you need to sacrifice a pair of sunnies, placing them in the rear defensive position as a token rear gunner fending off attacked.

Nope, for a few bucks, you can safely and effectively discourage attacks these birds, who, by the way, have one of the most wonderful native Australian bird calls after probably the whip bird, bower bird, butcher bird, kookaburra, and the very prolific Peroni bird (“hooooo! hoooooo!”).

Here is a photo of my zip tie installation. The pattern I have installed these in is proven* to repel 99% of magpies. The other 1% of the magpie population is an entirely unrational bird who has a nasty kamikaze streak and will risk harming himself by attacking a Zip Tie Installation just to inflict injury. There is no stopping this 1%.

Here also for your consideration is a short video I made which clearly demonstrates the efficacy of a judiciously placed battery of Anti Magpiecraft Zip Ties.

If I ride past these magpies with no zip ties I am mercilessly attacked.

Zip ties? The bird stays away.

Ipso facto? Clearly zip ties are effective.

So my advice to you is do your own research and ignore the so called experts. (I will say that that article had one thing right: a family of magpies on your property is very unlikely to swoop. We have a couple of families, one of 5, and they appreciate the constant stream of food providing by our bird sanctuary. If only they relayed this fact to Magpie Bomber Command.)

As well as ignoring the experts, you can ignore the jeers and shocking sledges from your idiot friends who think it is cooler to be attacked by magpies than wear a few zip ties for a few months (by the way, they're also usually busy riding coffee shop kms whilst you're out busting out the km's which will be handy when you flay them in the local club races. NOT SO FUNNY NOW, FELLAS.)

And if the ignominy of wearing Zip Ties is too much to bear, simply have a riding-alone zip tie helmet, and a riding-with-others helmet you can wear when you ride to the coffee shop on your 80mm carbon tubulars in your magnificent Rapha kit.

¹ Or at least it has been for a few months in my area. Aerial bombardment is coordinated through Magpie Central Bomber Command from around June, although single unauthorised kamikaze attacks can occur anytime in my area.

² Through a process with absolutely no scientific process or rigour whatsoever.